stupid kayla

(2:37:25 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey
(2:45:05 PM) DySleeper: sup
(2:45:07 PM) DySleeper: merry christmas
(2:45:12 PM) DySleeper: and also happy hannukah
(2:48:08 PM) Stupid Kayla: nuttin
(2:50:07 PM) DySleeper: still in the hospital?
(2:50:10 PM) DySleeper: is your doctor named house
(2:50:35 PM) Stupid Kayla: no im at home
(2:51:48 PM) DySleeper: ah
(2:51:53 PM) DySleeper: did they kick you out for impudence?
(2:54:28 PM) Stupid Kayla: no
(2:55:03 PM) DySleeper: ah
(2:55:09 PM) DySleeper: so why’d they let you go?
(2:55:14 PM) DySleeper: Good behaviour?
(2:58:31 PM) Stupid Kayla: bc
(2:58:45 PM) DySleeper: British Columbia?
(2:58:50 PM) DySleeper: Before Christ?
(2:58:54 PM) DySleeper: Bok Choi?
(3:00:51 PM) Stupid Kayla: wtf
(3:03:38 PM) DySleeper: so why did they send you home
(3:03:43 PM) DySleeper: it’s a pretty straightforward question
(3:03:55 PM) DySleeper: probably has a simple 10 word answer
(3:04:01 PM) DySleeper: see if you can do it in ten words or less
(3:04:44 PM) DySleeper: correction: ten words or fewer
(3:04:47 PM) Stupid Kayla: bc y do i need 2 be in the hospital
(3:05:04 PM) DySleeper: well let’s do a little summary
(3:05:21 PM) DySleeper: last summer you twisted up your knee playing basket ball
(3:05:37 PM) DySleeper: then you went for several surgeries to correct it
(3:05:55 PM) DySleeper: all of which were rendered useless by the fact that you can’t keep your knee brace on for more than ten minutes at a time
(3:06:19 PM) DySleeper: these surgeries caused you to develop some kind of infection that interferes with the normal function of your heart
(3:06:58 PM) DySleeper: you have flatlined at least 5 times in the time that i’ve ‘known’ you
(3:07:24 PM) DySleeper: and now you are pregnant with the child of a ‘doctor’ whom you have known for less than a year
(3:07:39 PM) DySleeper: and you have been having some bleeding and worries about a miscarriage
(3:08:05 PM) DySleeper: So I think the reason you need to go the hospital likely has something to do with getting your wisdom teeth removed
(3:08:11 PM) DySleeper: That’s the logical next step
(3:09:45 PM) Stupid Kayla: i had those out like my freshman yr of hs
(3:09:59 PM) DySleeper: Are you sure?
(3:10:01 PM) DySleeper: Check
(3:10:07 PM) DySleeper: Maybe they’re putting them back in
(3:10:08 PM) Stupid Kayla: yea im sure
(3:10:15 PM) DySleeper: Because you could clearly do with a little wisdom at this point
(3:10:25 PM) Stupid Kayla: wat!
(3:10:42 PM) Stupid Kayla: im fine y do i need 2 b in the hospital
(3:11:01 PM) DySleeper: The strain has broken you
(3:11:09 PM) Stupid Kayla: wtf
(3:11:33 PM) DySleeper: do you remember any of those things happening
(3:11:37 PM) DySleeper: the stuff i mentioned above there
(3:12:49 PM) Stupid Kayla: so wat does that hav 2 do w. it
(3:16:40 PM) DySleeper: so is that a no?
(3:16:50 PM) DySleeper: Do you honestly have no recollection of the last 16 months?
(3:16:59 PM) DySleeper: You have no idea why you should be in the hospital?
(3:17:06 PM) Stupid Kayla: y no
(3:17:09 PM) Stupid Kayla: w
(3:19:01 PM) Stupid Kayla: theres nuttin wrong w. me now
(3:19:45 PM) DySleeper: are you still pregnant?
(3:20:12 PM) Stupid Kayla: yea
(3:21:18 PM) DySleeper: Does your heart still give up in despair every twenty minutes or so?
(3:21:30 PM) DySleeper: If I were your heart, I would have walked off the job years ago.
(3:21:59 PM) DySleeper: Were you aware that in ancient times, people considered the brain to be an organ used to cool the blood?
(3:22:09 PM) DySleeper: Do you think yours is even that useful?
(3:22:23 PM) Stupid Kayla: ur mean
(3:23:06 PM) DySleeper: And you’re stupid
(3:23:09 PM) DySleeper: We should elope
(3:23:58 PM) Stupid Kayla: wtf
(3:25:32 PM) Stupid Kayla: i dont need to be in the hospital tho
(3:29:46 PM) Stupid Kayla: KAYLA”S HEART JUST STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!
(3:45:31 PM) DySleeper: yep
(3:45:47 PM) DySleeper: old joke
(3:45:49 PM) DySleeper: gj fgt
(3:57:06 PM) DySleeper: I have turned on the applause sign
(3:57:11 PM) DySleeper: The crowd is on its feet
(3:58:05 PM) Stupid Kayla: it’s not funny
(3:58:31 PM) DySleeper: oh but it is
(3:58:41 PM) Stupid Kayla: i’m super worried that she’s going to loose the baby
(3:58:52 PM) DySleeper: You mean like put it in a handbag
(3:58:55 PM) DySleeper: In the left luggage office
(3:58:59 PM) DySleeper: of Fenchurch Station?
(3:59:07 PM) Stupid Kayla: no like have a miscarriage.
(3:59:23 PM) DySleeper: in Fenchurch station, though?
(3:59:26 PM) DySleeper: this is important
(3:59:45 PM) Stupid Kayla: do you relize how serious it is?
(4:00:29 PM) DySleeper: I don’t think you realise the gravity of the situation here, Jaime
(4:00:42 PM) DySleeper: You are clearly ignorant of the importance of my query.
(4:01:04 PM) DySleeper: Of the words in those two sentences, how many did you understand immediately and how many will you have to go look up later?
(4:01:14 PM) DySleeper: Also, does her heart stop when she’s not talking to me?
(4:01:27 PM) DySleeper: Is it some special thing tied into the laptop she uses?
(4:01:45 PM) Stupid Kayla: no her heart just stopped last night.
(4:01:46 PM) DySleeper: I picture it as being similar to Saw
(4:02:04 PM) DySleeper: Where there is a device wired to her heart that triggers it to stop whenever she talks to me
(4:02:13 PM) DySleeper: Maybe it’s tied to the stock market
(4:02:20 PM) DySleeper: Does she have a pacemaker?
(4:02:55 PM) Stupid Kayla: no
(4:03:02 PM) DySleeper: That’s probably for the best
(4:03:09 PM) Stupid Kayla: i keep telling them to give her one.
(4:03:14 PM) DySleeper: I don’t imagine that she would ever eat hot food if it weren’t for microwaves.
(4:03:24 PM) DySleeper: Man, why don’t the doctors listen to you? You seem like an intelligent young man
(4:03:29 PM) DySleeper: oh I’m sorry
(4:03:33 PM) DySleeper: That was in the wrong window
(4:03:35 PM) DySleeper: I meant to say
(4:03:38 PM) DySleeper: You’re an idiot.
(4:03:53 PM) DySleeper: You two deserve each other.
(4:04:07 PM) DySleeper: I hope your child has an IQ the sum total of that of the two of you.
(4:04:19 PM) DySleeper: Because then he or she stands a pretty decent chance of making ‘moron’ status.
(4:04:32 PM) DySleeper: Tell me, were you ever in special ed for eating things that aren’t meant to be eaten?
(4:04:40 PM) DySleeper: Crayons, pencils, battleships?
(4:04:40 PM) Stupid Kayla: no
(4:05:20 PM) DySleeper: Maybe that’s the problem
(4:05:25 PM) DySleeper: Not enough iron in the diet
(4:05:30 PM) DySleeper: (or wax, for that matter)
(4:05:32 PM) Stupid Kayla: she needs to be in the hospital
(4:05:39 PM) DySleeper: Take two Destroyers and call me in the morning
(4:05:48 PM) DySleeper: Earth to Jaime: She’d prefer to die.
(4:05:55 PM) DySleeper: You’re not even trying any more
(4:06:02 PM) Stupid Kayla: NO! i am not letting her die
(4:06:06 PM) DySleeper: There was a long while where you would talk about interesting things.
(4:06:25 PM) DySleeper: I think the kindest thing you could do at this point is give her 300 lbs of chocolate
(4:06:28 PM) DySleeper: and let her eat herself to death
(4:06:31 PM) DySleeper: It’s humane
(4:06:38 PM) DySleeper: by comparison to what you’re doing now
(4:06:42 PM) Stupid Kayla: she has my baby
(4:06:53 PM) DySleeper: where does she have it?
(4:06:59 PM) Stupid Kayla: in her stomach
(4:07:05 PM) DySleeper: ew she eats babies?
(4:07:20 PM) Stupid Kayla: ok this is serious time
(4:07:35 PM) Stupid Kayla: will you please just help me talk her into going to the hospital
(4:08:05 PM) DySleeper: SERIOUS TIME
(4:08:07 PM) DySleeper: FOR SERIOUS DUDES
(4:08:09 PM) DySleeper: LIKE YOU AND ME
(4:08:13 PM) DySleeper: AND ALSO KAYLA
(4:08:16 PM) DySleeper: SHE IS ALSO A SERIOUS DUDE
(4:08:22 PM) DySleeper: YOU CAN TELL I’M SERIOUS BECAUSE I’M USING ALL CAPS
(4:08:45 PM) Stupid Kayla: she needs to be in the hospital tilll she has the baby
(4:09:00 PM) Stupid Kayla: her body can’t handle having a kid right now.
(4:09:11 PM) DySleeper: You should have thought of that before you had sex
(4:09:17 PM) DySleeper: way to go, medicine man
(4:09:26 PM) Stupid Kayla: we used a condom
(4:09:32 PM) DySleeper: where did you wear it?
(4:09:39 PM) DySleeper: They don’t work if you put them over your ear.
(4:09:46 PM) Stupid Kayla: on my penis where it belongs
(4:09:57 PM) DySleeper: nothing belongs on your penis
(4:10:08 PM) Stupid Kayla: and she was on birth control.
(4:10:09 PM) DySleeper: least of all other people
(4:10:23 PM) DySleeper: and how effective is birth control
(4:10:25 PM) DySleeper: and condoms?
(4:10:36 PM) DySleeper: CLEARLY NOT EFFECTIVE ENOUGH
(4:10:40 PM) DySleeper: you know what you need to do
(4:10:42 PM) DySleeper: go back in time
(4:10:48 PM) DySleeper: and castrate yourself
(4:10:53 PM) DySleeper: or even do it now
(4:10:57 PM) DySleeper: but back in time would be better
(4:12:04 PM) DySleeper: Preemptive, sorta thing
(4:12:08 PM) DySleeper: Anyway I have to go
(4:12:19 PM) DySleeper: Try not to impregnate anybody else while I’m gone, okay?
(4:12:25 PM) Stupid Kayla: will you please help me first
(4:12:27 PM) DySleeper: I don’t think the world could take it
(4:12:45 PM) Stupid Kayla: she needs to be in the hospital
(4:13:44 PM) DySleeper: Dear Jaime,
Kayla will not listen to me. She will not listen to you. All exterior sound is drowned out by the whistling of the wind in the echo-y cavernous chamber of her skull. You should look at getting a hinge installed at the back of her head so you can keep stuff in there.
With very, very little regard,
DySleeper

(4:14:14 PM) Stupid Kayla: she might
(4:14:27 PM) Stupid Kayla: it worth trying than having her die
(4:14:35 PM) DySleeper: No, I don’t believe that it is.
(4:14:39 PM) DySleeper: I have a party to go to.
(4:14:49 PM) DySleeper: I’m pretty sure that my time is more valuable than her life.
(4:14:55 PM) DySleeper: I might have to check into that, though.
(4:14:58 PM) Stupid Kayla: no it isnt
(4:15:06 PM) DySleeper: Yep
(4:15:14 PM) DySleeper: I get paid in the neighbourhood of !
(4:15:14 PM) Stupid Kayla: she needs to be in the hospital
(4:15:17 PM) DySleeper: $17/hour
(4:15:18 PM) Stupid Kayla: she’s dying
(4:15:25 PM) DySleeper: and the $2 of time that it would take me to talk to her
(4:15:29 PM) DySleeper: Is not worth it at all.
(4:15:39 PM) DySleeper: Turns out there is a price on human life.
(4:15:46 PM) DySleeper: It’s about $0.40 per pound
(4:15:47 PM) Stupid Kayla: she needs help
(4:15:49 PM) DySleeper: Wholesale
(4:15:55 PM) Stupid Kayla: why can’t you ever be serious
(4:15:56 PM) DySleeper: I’ve been saying that for months.
(4:16:00 PM) Stupid Kayla: she needs help
(4:16:14 PM) DySleeper: Brain transplant. It’s the only way.
(4:16:27 PM) Stupid Kayla: You’re not funny
(4:16:33 PM) Stupid Kayla: she is actually really smart!
(4:19:32 PM) DySleeper: If she were smart she wouldn’t be in this situation.
(4:19:33 PM) Stupid Kayla: do actually care about her or not
(4:19:52 PM) DySleeper: And if she were to find herself in this situation through some outside means, she would be smart enough to know what’s good for her.
(4:19:56 PM) Stupid Kayla: she can’t help i got her pregnant
(4:19:59 PM) DySleeper: Only for her entertainment value
(4:20:06 PM) DySleeper: Sure she can. She could have kept her legs shut
(4:20:25 PM) DySleeper: I hope you didn’t give her your syphillis, too.
(4:20:37 PM) DySleeper: Because the world doesn’t need any more syphillis.
(4:20:38 PM) Stupid Kayla: i do not have any STDs
(4:20:50 PM) DySleeper: When was the last time you were tested?
(4:21:02 PM) Stupid Kayla: i few months ago
(4:21:23 PM) DySleeper: Were you aware that STD tests are not 100% accurate?
(4:21:28 PM) DySleeper: Way to go, she’s going to hate you
(4:21:35 PM) DySleeper: because you gave her syphillis.
(4:21:39 PM) DySleeper: What a jerk you are.

(4:22:04 PM) Stupid Kayla: im just going to give her my heart then
(4:22:11 PM) DySleeper: no no
(4:22:14 PM) DySleeper: that also has syphillis
(4:22:25 PM) Stupid Kayla: no do not have syphillis
(4:22:29 PM) Stupid Kayla: i have no stds
(4:22:29 PM) DySleeper: the gift that keeps on giving

(5:07:08 PM) DySleeper: you know
(5:07:10 PM) DySleeper: if she does die
(5:07:16 PM) DySleeper: and you eat her heart and eyes
(5:07:19 PM) DySleeper: you gain all her powers
(5:07:30 PM) Stupid Kayla: don’t talk like that.
(5:07:36 PM) DySleeper: I’m just pointing it out
(5:07:49 PM) DySleeper: in these enlightened days, nobody ever thinks about gaining the powers of others
(5:07:53 PM) DySleeper: and the race is weaker for it
(5:08:25 PM) Stupid Kayla: she’s 3cm
(5:08:30 PM) Stupid Kayla: this ain’t good.
(5:08:49 PM) DySleeper: are we talking size of brain or what
(5:09:00 PM) DySleeper: distance between braincells
(5:09:05 PM) DySleeper: 3cm and increasing!
(5:09:07 PM) Stupid Kayla: no her cervix
(5:09:11 PM) DySleeper: we’re going to lose the left-hand one!
(5:09:31 PM) Stupid Kayla: no this is seriously not good.
(5:09:42 PM) Stupid Kayla: she’s only 3 months pregnant
(5:10:03 PM) DySleeper: after she’s done with this
(5:10:11 PM) DySleeper: there won’t be any tread on the tires, if you know what i’m saying
(5:10:25 PM) DySleeper: throwing a hot dog down a hallway
(5:10:30 PM) DySleeper: a toothpick in the grand canyon
(5:11:44 PM) DySleeper: look, i gotta go
(5:11:48 PM) DySleeper: don’t do anything stupider
(5:11:54 PM) DySleeper: though i’m not holding my breath
(5:12:06 PM) Stupid Kayla: no she’ll heal back up
(5:12:13 PM) DySleeper: heal yes
(5:12:16 PM) DySleeper: tighten, not so much

(4:51:46 PM) Stupid Kayla: jaime said i was 2cm
(4:52:38 PM) Stupid Kayla: :’(
(4:55:41 PM) Stupid Kayla: ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(4:55:48 PM) DySleeper: uh
(4:55:57 PM) DySleeper: if you’re like a month and a half pregnant
(4:55:58 PM) DySleeper: not even
(4:56:02 PM) DySleeper: and you’re dilated
(4:56:12 PM) DySleeper: then there is something wrong
(4:56:18 PM) DySleeper: that is my professional opinion
(4:56:22 PM) DySleeper: as an e-doctor
(4:57:43 PM) Stupid Kayla: i guess im 3months is wat they said
(4:59:30 PM) DySleeper: well
(4:59:32 PM) DySleeper: regardless
(4:59:36 PM) DySleeper: wait
(4:59:41 PM) DySleeper: how long have you been with jaime
(4:59:50 PM) Stupid Kayla: like 4months
(4:59:56 PM) DySleeper: you lying twit
(5:00:04 PM) DySleeper: you told me in november that you were pregnant
(5:00:08 PM) DySleeper: 2 weeks or so pregnant
(5:00:17 PM) DySleeper: and that you’d been dating jaime for a month
(5:00:18 PM) Stupid Kayla: yea i thought i was 2
(5:00:24 PM) DySleeper: DON’T YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME
(5:00:35 PM) Stupid Kayla: me and jaime was foolign around wen i was still with joe
(5:00:45 PM) DySleeper: so there’s a chance that it’s Joe’s baby
(5:00:48 PM) DySleeper: put jaime on
(5:01:06 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey.
(5:01:13 PM) Stupid Kayla: kayla said you wanted to talk to me.
(5:01:22 PM) DySleeper: you realise that there’s a real good chance the kid’s not yours, right
(5:01:26 PM) DySleeper: CUCKOLD’D
(5:01:49 PM) DySleeper: she’s pulling a fast one
(5:01:52 PM) DySleeper: get out while you still can
(5:02:12 PM) Stupid Kayla: no they never had sex with him while she was having sex with me because they were fighting
(5:02:18 PM) DySleeper: sure sure
(5:02:22 PM) DySleeper: you realise don’t you
(5:02:26 PM) DySleeper: that if she was cheating on him
(5:02:30 PM) DySleeper: she’s likely to cheat on you
(5:02:47 PM) DySleeper: …
(5:02:48 PM) Stupid Kayla: no i’m with her almost all the time.
(5:02:53 PM) DySleeper: uh huh
(5:02:56 PM) Stupid Kayla: and joe treated her like shit.
(5:03:13 PM) DySleeper: so the first time that she doesn’t get her way
(5:03:19 PM) DySleeper: the first time that you have to be firm with her
(5:03:22 PM) DySleeper: and say ‘no’
(5:03:30 PM) DySleeper: she’s going to go and fuck some dude in the back of your car
(5:03:36 PM) DySleeper: while you’re at work
(5:03:40 PM) DySleeper: i can see it all
(5:03:41 PM) Stupid Kayla: no joe was cheating too.
(5:03:47 PM) DySleeper: oh so that makes it okay
(5:04:21 PM) DySleeper: you have set my mind at ease

(4:42:15 PM) Stupid Kayla: y is this happening
(4:42:22 PM) DySleeper: because you touch yourself at night
(4:42:23 PM) DySleeper: i don’t know
(4:42:40 PM) Stupid Kayla: i do not
(4:45:29 PM) DySleeper: well
(4:45:34 PM) DySleeper: i’m all out of ideas
(4:46:19 PM) Stupid Kayla: it hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(4:46:45 PM) DySleeper: then you’re doing it wrong
(4:46:47 PM) DySleeper: wait
(4:46:51 PM) DySleeper: we’re talking about different things

(4:19:37 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey
(4:19:39 PM) Stupid Kayla: sup
(4:19:51 PM) DySleeper: hiya
(4:19:53 PM) DySleeper: sorry about before
(4:19:57 PM) DySleeper: phone calls and then i had to go out
(4:20:00 PM) Stupid Kayla: its ok
(4:20:25 PM) Stupid Kayla: im having contractions for some reason
(4:21:10 PM) Stupid Kayla: :’(
(4:23:20 PM) DySleeper: uh
(4:27:50 PM) Stupid Kayla: y would i be now?
(4:28:33 PM) Stupid Kayla: huh
(4:29:06 PM) DySleeper: ISN’T
(4:29:07 PM) DySleeper: AREN’T
(4:29:09 PM) DySleeper: WON’T
(4:29:22 PM) Stupid Kayla: wat?
(4:29:29 PM) DySleeper: contractions
(4:29:31 PM) DySleeper: CAN’T
(4:29:40 PM) Stupid Kayla: it feels like it
(4:29:47 PM) Stupid Kayla: iduno
(4:29:48 PM) DySleeper: IT’S
(4:29:51 PM) DySleeper: WE’RE
(4:29:55 PM) DySleeper: HAVEN’T
(4:30:02 PM) DySleeper: how do you know that it feels like contractions
(4:30:06 PM) DySleeper: have you been pregnant before?
(4:30:13 PM) Stupid Kayla: by watchin a baby story
(4:30:22 PM) DySleeper: you know what something feels like
(4:30:26 PM) DySleeper: because you watched TV
(4:30:43 PM) DySleeper: stunning

(4:27:16 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey
(4:27:22 PM) Stupid Kayla: sup
(4:27:39 PM) DySleeper: howdy
(4:27:44 PM) DySleeper: what’s the word, tweety bird
(4:28:03 PM) Stupid Kayla: wtf
(4:28:42 PM) DySleeper: kayla do you know who Wil Wheaton is
(4:28:58 PM) Stupid Kayla: should i
(4:29:02 PM) DySleeper: well
(4:29:06 PM) DySleeper: I have a confession to make
(4:29:11 PM) DySleeper: I’m Wil Wheaton
(4:29:14 PM) Stupid Kayla: w/e
(4:29:16 PM) DySleeper: no
(4:29:17 PM) DySleeper: Wil
(4:29:21 PM) DySleeper: w/e isn’t my name
(4:29:23 PM) Stupid Kayla: ur adam
(4:29:32 PM) DySleeper: i’ve been living a lie
(4:29:40 PM) DySleeper: www.wilwheaton.gov
(4:29:41 PM) DySleeper: that’s me
(4:29:55 PM) Stupid Kayla: remember my computer is 2 slow
(4:30:07 PM) DySleeper: a computer is only as good as the user

(4:54:28 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey
(4:54:29 PM) Stupid Kayla: sup
(4:54:36 PM) DySleeper: you know what you should do
(4:54:43 PM) DySleeper: go out and find some bees
(4:54:46 PM) DySleeper: and punch every bee in the face
(4:54:55 PM) Stupid Kayla: wat r u talkin about
(4:55:10 PM) DySleeper: oh, sorry, wrong window
(4:55:13 PM) DySleeper: what i meant to say to you was
(4:55:18 PM) DySleeper: GO PLAY BASKETBALL
(4:55:21 PM) DySleeper: DO IT NOW
(4:55:24 PM) DySleeper: TAKE OFF YOUR LEG BRACE
(4:55:33 PM) DySleeper: TAKE THE NEEDLES FROM YOUR ARMS AND THROW THEM TO THE SKIES
(4:55:46 PM) DySleeper: oh, jaime is going to have himself killed so you can have his heart and lungs
(4:55:50 PM) DySleeper: but don’t tell him i told you
(4:56:33 PM) DySleeper: OH NO I HAVE RUINED CHRISTMAS

(4:57:28 PM) Stupid Kayla: no he went downstairs to eat
(4:57:45 PM) DySleeper: to eat what
(4:58:01 PM) Stupid Kayla: food
(4:58:19 PM) DySleeper: but what kind
(4:58:33 PM) DySleeper: i bet he is forcefeeding himself so his heart and lungs will be tender and juicy
(4:58:37 PM) DySleeper: for a sacrifice
(4:58:39 PM) DySleeper: LUNGS FOR THE LUNG GOD
(5:00:17 PM) Stupid Kayla: arbys
(5:00:37 PM) DySleeper: THE LUNG GOD IS NOT APPEASED

(5:01:12 PM) Stupid Kayla: its illegal to do that anyways
(5:01:19 PM) DySleeper: it should be
(5:01:25 PM) DySleeper: to eat at arby’s i mena
(5:01:27 PM) DySleeper: *mean
(5:01:29 PM) DySleeper: what did you mean?

(5:04:03 PM) Stupid Kayla: wat
(5:04:44 PM) DySleeper: well, i have to go
(5:04:51 PM) DySleeper: try not to eat any broken glass or syringes

(4:25:17 PM) Stupid Kayla: my baby and my gf is dying
(4:29:06 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey
(4:29:09 PM) Stupid Kayla: sup\
(4:29:27 PM) DySleeper: oh not much
(4:29:30 PM) DySleeper: apparently you is dying
(4:29:34 PM) DySleeper: lawdy lawd
(4:29:57 PM) Stupid Kayla: ur weird
(4:30:11 PM) DySleeper: but i am alive
(4:30:16 PM) DySleeper: and you are apparently not so much
(4:30:29 PM) DySleeper: I think every time your heart stops it must be like a complete system reboot
(4:30:40 PM) DySleeper: because you never seem to have any recollection of things that went before
(4:31:15 PM) DySleeper: kayla do you like music
(4:32:21 PM) Stupid Kayla: her heart just stopped.
(4:32:54 PM) DySleeper: quick put yesterday’s paper on the doorstep and paint the interior of the garage white
(4:33:20 PM) DySleeper: i’m starting to think that there is some kind of causal relationship between me saying ‘kayla’s heart is stopping’ and the event actually coming to pass
(4:33:32 PM) DySleeper: I wonder if I have this power over other bodily functions
(4:33:57 PM) DySleeper: KAYLA’S EARS START TO FLAP
(4:34:04 PM) Stupid Kayla: this ain’t a thing to joke about.
(4:34:26 PM) DySleeper: sure it is
(4:34:39 PM) DySleeper: KAYLA’S ARM STARTS PUNCHING JAIME IN THE FACE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THAT I SAID SO
(4:34:57 PM) Stupid Kayla: im really thinking about giving her my heart and lungs
(4:35:07 PM) DySleeper: are you the same blood type
(4:35:11 PM) DySleeper: i know you’re the same iq
(4:35:26 PM) DySleeper: also what purpose would that serve
(4:35:28 PM) DySleeper: she would still die
(4:35:33 PM) DySleeper: and you would also be dead
(4:35:48 PM) Stupid Kayla: who said she would die?

(4:36:00 PM) DySleeper: protip: they don’t let you donate organs other than a kidney unless you have already died
(4:36:11 PM) DySleeper: what kind of doctor are you anyway
(4:36:14 PM) DySleeper: a chiropractor?
(4:36:31 PM) DySleeper: because you seem to have the same basic grasp of medicine as a chiropractor or a naturopath
(4:36:37 PM) Stupid Kayla: yea i have a friend that will do it.
(4:36:57 PM) DySleeper: This is off-the-scales retarded
(4:37:05 PM) DySleeper: LAY OFF THE SMACK, JAIME
(4:37:09 PM) DySleeper: IT’S MAKING YOU THINK THOUGHTS
(4:37:26 PM) Stupid Kayla: i’d rather die than have her die
(4:37:32 PM) Stupid Kayla: and my baby
(4:37:51 PM) DySleeper: hello do you know the statistics for heart transplant patients
(4:38:00 PM) DySleeper: also they would not perform the surgery on a pregnant woman
(4:38:09 PM) DySleeper: the drugs would almost certainly kill the foetus
(4:38:27 PM) DySleeper: also any doctor who would do that, friend or not, would never pass the ethics exam
(4:38:27 PM) Stupid Kayla: they have no other choice
(4:38:40 PM) DySleeper: unless, once again, it’s a chiropractor or a naturopath
(4:39:02 PM) Stupid Kayla: no he just knows how much i care about her and i don’t want her to die
(4:39:04 PM) DySleeper: because I’m pretty sure they don’t have any ethics
(4:39:09 PM) DySleeper: so he’ll murder you
(4:39:14 PM) DySleeper: that’s a good friend right there
(4:39:41 PM) Stupid Kayla: i want my gf and my baby to live
(4:39:53 PM) DySleeper: that is noble
(4:39:55 PM) DySleeper: also retarded
(4:40:24 PM) Stupid Kayla: wouldn’t you want your gf and baby to live?
(4:40:42 PM) DySleeper: yes i would
(4:40:51 PM) DySleeper: but what you are proposing is madness
(4:40:56 PM) DySleeper: and no reputable doctor would do it
(4:41:13 PM) DySleeper: also if your friend is as fresh out of med school as your stupid ass
(4:41:14 PM) DySleeper: he’d fuck it up
(4:41:17 PM) DySleeper: and you’d both die
(4:41:42 PM) DySleeper: AND THEN WOULDN’T YOU BE EMBARRASSED?!
(4:41:56 PM) Stupid Kayla: he’s done a heart transplant before
(4:42:01 PM) Stupid Kayla: i did it with him.
(4:43:33 PM) DySleeper: right
(4:43:35 PM) DySleeper: in med school
(4:44:19 PM) DySleeper: what school did you go to?
(4:44:39 PM) Stupid Kayla: like a month ago
(4:45:48 PM) Stupid Kayla: duke
(4:47:17 PM) DySleeper: duke community college
(4:49:15 PM) Stupid Kayla: duke university
(4:49:28 PM) DySleeper: Duke University online
(4:49:32 PM) DySleeper: GET YOUR DEGREE IN
(4:49:35 PM) DySleeper: FLOWER ARRANGING
(4:49:39 PM) Stupid Kayla: no
(4:49:49 PM) DySleeper: you didn’t get into the flower arranging program?
(4:49:54 PM) DySleeper: i know it’s very competitive
(4:50:29 PM) Stupid Kayla: no i went to med school there
(4:50:49 PM) DySleeper: no, you didn’t

(4:52:10 PM) Stupid Kayla: ok i’m going to go have my friend do the surgery talk to kayla because she’ll kill me if she finds out.
(4:52:37 PM) DySleeper: if she kills you then I don’t think there will be any ethical question about using your organs
(4:52:40 PM) DySleeper: can I have your eyes

(3:54:18 PM) Stupid Kayla: im seriously bout ready to rip these IVs out and go home
(3:55:34 PM) Stupid Kayla: >:o
(3:55:55 PM) DySleeper: here’s what you do
(3:56:05 PM) DySleeper: braid them together into a rope
(3:56:09 PM) DySleeper: and escape out the window
(3:56:19 PM) Stupid Kayla: y dont i jus rip them out
(3:56:23 PM) Stupid Kayla: better idea
(3:56:30 PM) DySleeper: or or
(3:56:36 PM) DySleeper: tie them around your neck
(3:56:39 PM) DySleeper: and jump off something
(3:56:45 PM) DySleeper: cos if you want to die that’d be a faster way to do it
(4:00:36 PM) Stupid Kayla: wat
(4:00:42 PM) DySleeper: never mind
(4:00:47 PM) Stupid Kayla: i just wana go home bc this is stupid
(4:00:49 PM) DySleeper: superfluous sort of a thing to say
(4:00:53 PM) DySleeper: maybe it is smart
(4:00:57 PM) DySleeper: maybe the stupid one is you
(4:01:01 PM) DySleeper: it is all relative
(4:01:04 PM) Stupid Kayla: no
(4:01:08 PM) DySleeper: did you ever take any advanced level physics
(4:01:21 PM) DySleeper: apparently there are no absolutes
(4:01:39 PM) DySleeper: but by making that statement
(4:01:43 PM) DySleeper: they negate it
(4:01:46 PM) Stupid Kayla: no i always to bio
(4:02:03 PM) DySleeper: If I say that there are no absolutes, that is, itself, an absolute
(4:02:34 PM) DySleeper: Like if you were to say that everybody named Kayla was a liar
(4:02:41 PM) DySleeper: self-negating
(4:03:20 PM) DySleeper: what was your favourite part of bio
(4:03:23 PM) DySleeper: was it dissecting stuff
(4:03:26 PM) DySleeper: i bet it was
(4:03:30 PM) Stupid Kayla: sleeping
(4:03:36 PM) DySleeper: So you loved bio
(4:03:40 PM) DySleeper: because you could sleep in it
(4:03:45 PM) DySleeper: you should major in ‘bed’
(4:03:49 PM) DySleeper: and minor in ’sleeping bag’
(4:03:55 PM) Stupid Kayla: wat
(4:04:14 PM) DySleeper: I am trying to give you options for a career you can truly enjoy
(4:05:05 PM) DySleeper: beds are useful for other things, too
(4:05:08 PM) DySleeper: such as
(4:05:10 PM) DySleeper: making
(4:05:13 PM) DySleeper: changing sheets
(4:05:17 PM) Stupid Kayla: cosmetology
(4:05:22 PM) DySleeper: yes
(4:05:30 PM) DySleeper: beds are very useful for cosmetology
(4:05:33 PM) DySleeper: in bizarro world
(4:06:10 PM) Stupid Kayla: its not like im guna be alive for it anyways
(4:06:19 PM) DySleeper: that’s the spirit
(4:06:27 PM) DySleeper: does your hospital bed have a motor
(4:07:29 PM) DySleeper: you should get your dad to really rev it up
(4:07:31 PM) DySleeper: give it a turbo
(4:07:40 PM) Stupid Kayla: ugh shut up
(4:07:45 PM) DySleeper: so you can outrun all the doctors
(4:07:55 PM) DySleeper: WE’RE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU KAYLAAAAAAaaaaaaaa
(4:08:07 PM) DySleeper: as you leave them behind in choking clouds of exhaust
(4:08:20 PM) Stupid Kayla: ugh
(4:08:23 PM) DySleeper: yeah
(4:08:30 PM) DySleeper: it’s very inconsiderate of you to pollute like that
(4:08:37 PM) DySleeper: maybe your dad should make it into a hybrid
(4:08:41 PM) DySleeper: or run it from fuel cells
(4:08:52 PM) Stupid Kayla: shut up
(4:08:59 PM) Stupid Kayla: i wana freakin go home
(4:09:14 PM) DySleeper: that’s the beauty of your motorbed
(4:09:19 PM) DySleeper: no one can stop you
(4:09:31 PM) Stupid Kayla: hey its Jaime
(4:09:42 PM) DySleeper: jaime you need to get her a motorised bed
(4:09:48 PM) DySleeper: it’s the only thing that will make her truly happy
(4:10:04 PM) Stupid Kayla: no she needs to let them do the fuckin surgery.
(4:10:19 PM) DySleeper: is it a brain replacement
(4:10:41 PM) DySleeper: it could be some cutting edge research
(4:11:09 PM) Stupid Kayla: no it’s for her heart
(4:11:34 PM) DySleeper: WE’VE TAKEN THE BRAIN OUT OF THIS OTHERWISE NORMAL 21 YEAR OLD GIRL AND REPLACED IT WITH A PIG’S HEART VALVE. LET’S SEE IF HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY NOTICE
(4:12:04 PM) Stupid Kayla: your’e not even funny
(4:12:20 PM) DySleeper: So you’re saying you would or would not notice
(4:12:47 PM) Stupid Kayla: she has good reasons to be extremely scared of doctors
(4:13:34 PM) DySleeper: medicophobia
(4:13:43 PM) DySleeper: wait a minute
(4:13:47 PM) DySleeper: you’re in medical school, yes?
(4:13:54 PM) Stupid Kayla: im done
(4:13:59 PM) Stupid Kayla: im a doctor now
(4:14:00 PM) DySleeper: so you’re a doctor
(4:14:05 PM) DySleeper: so she’s scared of you
(4:14:08 PM) DySleeper: qed
(4:14:19 PM) Stupid Kayla: no she’s not scared of me put other doctors
(4:14:37 PM) DySleeper: is she scared of veterinarians
(4:15:15 PM) Stupid Kayla: i dont know
(4:15:19 PM) DySleeper: what about nutritionists
(4:15:29 PM) DySleeper: how about Ph.Ds?
(4:15:40 PM) DySleeper: these are important questions
(4:15:46 PM) Stupid Kayla: no like a year or two ago when she was in the hospital they totally messed her heart and lungs up
(4:15:54 PM) Stupid Kayla: thats what started everything
(4:15:57 PM) DySleeper: vee need to vind zee heart of zee problem
(4:16:02 PM) DySleeper: uh
(4:16:20 PM) DySleeper: i’m pretty sure what started everything was the part where she went and played basketball on a fucked-up knee
(4:16:31 PM) DySleeper: everything just sort of lead from there
(4:16:44 PM) Stupid Kayla: yeah and she got the infection in her knee and then that’s when everything happened
(4:16:49 PM) DySleeper: if her life were a story that would be the complicating incident
(4:16:58 PM) DySleeper: right now I believe we are in the rising action
(4:17:31 PM) DySleeper: I wonder what her antagonist is
(4:17:43 PM) DySleeper: I think this is a classic tale of ‘man vs. self’
(4:17:55 PM) Stupid Kayla: you’re not funny.
(4:18:01 PM) Stupid Kayla: my gf and my baby is dying
(4:18:08 PM) DySleeper: are dying
(4:18:18 PM) DySleeper: way to go, doc
(4:18:26 PM) Stupid Kayla: yes i know but i’m freakin out right now
(4:18:26 PM) DySleeper: YOUR FAULT
(4:18:28 PM) DySleeper: ALL YOUR FAULT
(4:18:40 PM) ***DySleeper HEAPS BLAME, SCORN AND DERISION ON YOU
(4:20:19 PM) Stupid Kayla: NO SHE NEEDS TO GET THE SURGERY NOW!!!!!!!!
(4:20:33 PM) DySleeper: YOU’D BETTER GO FIND A BUTTER KNIFE, THEN, DOCTOR
(4:21:05 PM) Stupid Kayla: YOU”RE NOT FUNNY

(4:21:15 PM) Stupid Kayla: I’M NOT THE ONE DOING THE SURGERY
(4:21:41 PM) DySleeper: CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL